How many hands do you need to use a toilet on a moving Indian train?

The answer is 5.  You need 5 hands to use a toilet on a moving train in India.  Perhaps only the untrained need 5, but I definitely needed 5.  I shall explain:

Let's assume you are wearing comfortable slacks, which is highly recommended for a 24+ hour train trip.  Something like a tracksuit, or pants made of loose-fitting, non-crease material, with a draw-string or elastic band around the waist, is good for such a trip.  Now this garment, which is great for the other 23 hours and 50 minutes, requires 3 hands in the Indian train toilet.  You will want to pull up both legs, so that no part of the garment touches the floor.  You also need one hand to hold the elastic part down while you awkwardly squat over the slit in the floor, through which you can behold the outside world under the train, speeding by.  Hence, 3 hands for the pants.

Then there is the hand that you need to hold onto the wall with.  (You probably wish you had 2 hands for this, but you are already a couple of hands short, so you figure you can spare a hand and hold on with one.)  You need to hold on, because the train is moving and swaying from side to side.  You know that you will die from freak-out if you fall over, so this is probably one of the more important hands.

Finally you need the hand to administer the toilet paper/scented wet-wipe/cup of water.  None of the other hands will do for this.  You cant let go of what-ever you are holding on to steady yourself and you cant drop your pants-legs, because you now know for sure that the floor is not just wet with water.  You, after-all, made sure of that.  You can also not let go of the elastic that is meant to hold the pants up, as it will surely slip up due to the tremendous strain you are putting on it from squatting.  So, that certainly means the 5th hand will have to reach for the wet-wipes.

There... 5 hands.

When you get good at it you can eliminate the use of 2 of the hands by pulling up both pants-legs and down the elastic and holding it all with one hand, somewhere out of harm's way.  But then you still need a hand for holding and a hand for the wet-wipes.  Then, if you manage to balance yourself so well that you feel confident you can let go of what-ever you are using to steady yourself, you might reach with that hand for the wet-wipes.  Or, you can just travel first class and find there is the option of European Style commodes and Indian Style squat toilets.  Good luck to you and... to my Indian friends;  Respect!!!

In this photo, I am contemplating how long it will take for the seams of my slacks to dry and whether people will wonder what the heck I am doing, when I spray out half a bottle of Clinique Happy, on my feet.  I am also wrestling with the meaning of life, but mostly about the other stuff I just mentioned.